THERE is no problem on this Earth so intractable that TV cannot solve it with the help of a few celebrities and a telephone vote. We have a world wildlife crisis with thousands of species facing extinction. You might have thought the answer could be controls against rampant exploitation of the planet’s natural resources or similar green initiatives.

The solution, apparently, is to have a TV competition where celebrities argue the case for saving a particular species. Viewers then spend £1 to phone in their votes. The resultant pot of cash, minus what the TV company keeps for expenses, is then spent on saving the winning species.

The series is called Extinct. It is made by a company called, somewhat ironically, Endemol. Endemol is also responsible for Restoration, where viewers got to choose a historic building to be saved. Endemol’s other previous convictions for televisual crimes against humanity include Big Brother and Deal Or No Deal.

I will not be watching Extinct. (Who needs reality TV when you can record all those free movies on Film4 and watch them at your leisure, fast-forwarding through the adverts.)

I will not see Trevor McDonald and Zoe Ball in charge of saving the chosen species. I will pass on Michael Portillo’s plea on behalf of the hyacinth macaw. Similarly, I feel no urge to be lectured by David Suchet on the giant panda, Graeme Le Saux on the mountain gorilla, Pauline Collins on the Bengal tiger, Anneka Rice on the polar bear, or Sue Johnston on the Asian elephant.

It seems heartless to protect one species at the expense of others, but that’s television for you. Presumably, there will be a cruel process of elimination of losers as there is in Big Brother.

Viewers will be able to vote on whether the Bengal tiger or the hyacinth macaw is told to leave the planet. There might be a white hunter on hand to shoot a representative of each rejected species. Bad taste but great television. Or we could shoot the celebrity who failed to make an adequate case for his or her allotted animal. My choice would be elimination of the often-spotted Portillo.

The Portillo is everywhere on the telly. Having dinner with posh guests on BBC Four, doing political comedy as part of the Abbot and Portillo double act, or making entertainment out of poverty by becoming a single mum in Wallasey for a week.

The Portillo is shortly to be spotted yet again in another reality TV show. He is to be foreman of a celebrity jury in The Verdict. (It’s a shame Tony Hancock isn’t available for this show.) In this BBC2 programme, controversial criminal cases will be retried with the emphasis being on deliberations among the celebs in the jury room. Do you remember when BBC used to make programmes such as Rough Justice when real-life failings of the legal system were exposed?

There is one benefit of the Portillo spending time in a virtual jury room or pursing hyacinth macaws up the Orinoco. He is much more gainfully employed thus than when he was a Tory minister .

AN aspect of British life which Endemol might usefully explore as a TV show is the royal family. My republican hackles were raised last week when the Treasury rebuffed an eminently sensible suggestion by the Commons public accounts committee that Prince Charles should pay corporation and capital gains tax on the £14 million annual profit he reaps from the Duchy of Cornwall family business.

The Queen’s £10m dunt from the Duchy of Lancaster is equally untrammelled by tax. The Windsors are an expensive luxury we can do without.

This is where Endemol come in. We have this programme based on the concept that sadly, due to cut-backs, the country can only afford to keep one member of the royal family on the payroll.

The Russians had a simple solution to a similar problem back in 1918 when Tsar Nicholas II and his entire family were disposed of in a cellar of a house in Ekaterinburg. A remake of Ekaterinburg starring the Windsors would make for graphic viewing, but I don’t think we would get that one past TV regulator Ofcom.

We could have a much more humane solution in which Endemol gathers the royal family at the Big Palace. At the end of the series, only one will remain as monarch. The rest will leave the palace and find gainful employment. I can’t think of a witty name for the programme but the phrase Royal Flush springs to mind.

To add a bit of spice, a surprise non-Windsor person (probably Michael Portillo) will be invited to take part. On each show viewers will vote a Windsor out of the palace. There will be no tumbrils or any of that French revolution stuff. Each ex-royal will be gently escorted to the bus stop and given directions to the nearest Jobcentre.

The new king or queen will be given the keys to the royal Vauxhall Corsa and will head home to the royal residence, the top-left flat at Buckingham Mansions (your majesty’s turn for the cleaning the stairs is every third Monday of the month).

I HAVE been pursuing the Mediterranean diet courtesy of Lidl. Not just the fruit and veg which has been half-price all month as part of the supermarket chain’s healthy eating initiative.

In Lidl Maryhill and, no doubt, at branches elsewhere there has been earnest debate about the relative merits of the bianco balsamico as compared to the rosso. And there are difficult choices to be made between the pastas on special offer.

Will we go for the taglioline al salmone or the fettucine aglio e basilico? That’s pasta with a salmon flavour or with garlic and basil. Maryhill has come a long way from the tin of spaghetti hoops.

I plumped eventually for the linguine al nero di seppia, which is spaghetti rendered black by the addition of squid ink. I had black spaghetti and lobster once in a London restaurant. It was delicious but the price of nearly £40 a plate was hard to swallow.

By chance, Lidl were also doing a line in small Canadian lobsters at £4.99 a throw. I was able to recreate the black spaghetti and lobster experience for two at under £6. Add a bottle of prosecco for £2.49 and you’re in a wee bit of paradise called Lidl Italy.

It is not just your continental fare which is on offer at Lidl. Browsing through the wine shelves, as one does, I discovered Lidl’s range of British fortified wines.

Those who are cognisant with the west of Scotland tradition of consuming fortified wines may be happy to know that the Lidl versions are up there in quality with such legendary brands as Lanliq, Eldorado, and Four Crown. And very competitively priced at £2.14 a bottle.

I did a tasting, of course. The Nobleman full cream is reminiscent of a full-bodied Pedro Ximenez sherry. The medium has hints of a Malaga dulce. The pale cream would pass as a moscatel.

These fine wines are not for drinking up back closes or in bus shelters. Lidl recommends the lighter varieties be taken with ice as an aperitif and the full cream with dessert.

AT last there is the prospect of a victory in Iraq. Not for the American and British and other coalition forces. It is a small and hollow victory for those of us who marched against this pointless war.

Bush and Blair remain unrepentant about the conflict. Bush still talks about the war being winnable. Blair says Britain will see the job through.

But they both know the game is a bogey. Their generals have told them so. The war is lost. Reservations are now being taken for the last helicopter out of Baghdad.

The American media is examining where it all went wrong. They are not discussing such concepts as blame. In that wonderful way they have with words, the US pundits are saying there have been “missteps” in Iraq.

All the dead children. The daily toll of sectarian murders. The transformation of what was merely an evil dictatorship into bloody chaos.

It was one small misstep for Bush and Blair, one giant misstep for mankind.